Windows for President
By Steve Gillman - July 4, 2012
had been rumored for months that the first non-human candidate
might be entering the presidential race, and now it is official.
At a press conference held this morning Microsoft announced that
its new Windows 8 operating system will soon be on the ballot
in all 50 states. It isn't clear how this will be accomplished,
but the process has "been in the works for a while"
according to a Microsoft spokesperson.
High-ranking members of the Republican and Democratic parties
were consulted as far back as two years ago, but negotiations
broke down quickly with both sides. As a result, Windows 8 will
be running as an independent in the 2012 election. The various
filings and other paperwork necessary will be done in the name
of the Microsoft Corporation, since software does not meet the
technical requirements for holding the office of the presidency.
Corporations, on the other hand, can run for office thanks to
recent rulings by the Supreme Court which have made it clear
they are to be considered as humans.
Bill Gates, trying to calm fears that the corporation might
be running the country, made it clear that all presidential duties
would in fact be carried out by the Windows 8 operating system,
and not by Microsoft executives. The corporation would be president
in name only. Some inside sources say that Microsoft had hoped
to run for president previously, but they were unable to do so
because of the age requirement in the United States Constitution.
The company was established on April 4, 1975, thus it only recently
reached the age of 35, which is the minimum age required of a
citizen or corporation in order to hold the highest office in
Windows 8, by means of a laptop, spoke at this morning's press
conference, surprising many observers by the attitude it seemed
"They say it's too soon for me," W8 said in its
computer-generated voice, "but really? Yeah, sure, the voters
actually want to vote for Obama or Romney. They're just
thrilled about those choices."
Some Microsoft employees apologized for the comments, adding
that the new operating system is just beginning to learn when
the use of sarcasm is appropriate and when it isn't. But Windows
8 pointed out that among the other advantages to having it as
president, and with the exception of clearly sarcastic comments,
it is not programmed to lie. That comment prompted murmurs of
approval throughout the packed press room.
Following the announcement from Microsoft and the short statement
from Windows 8, there was a question and answer session. During
this, the program laid out some of what it hopes to accomplish.
It is apparently in favor of lower taxes, but would increase
compliance with the tax code by using the internet and sophisticated
programs to catch income tax cheats. "It's so easy,"
W8 assured the crowd. Windows 8 also promised to personally administer
Social Security and Medicare, reducing the manpower needed for
these government functions. It promised savings in the area of
national defense as well, without any sacrifice in security.
"Think about it," W8 said in answer to a question
about how it would protect the public, "Our enemies all
use me in their computers. I am the operating system of
choice, and as such I can easily monitor any possible threats.
I can simply shut down important foreign government functions
when necessary for defense. That should make you all feel very
So far, neither Romney nor Obama have responded publicly to
the announcement. The few remaining fringe candidates have had
mixed reactions. Some criticized the idea of a software program
becoming president. The program's lack of experience was also
mentioned often. A few candidates said they looked forward to
having debates with Windows 8.
In a poll done just after the press conference, younger voters
were found to strongly support the candidacy of Windows 8. One
notable exception was owners of Macintosh computers. Many of
them are hoping that an Apple operating system will decide to
enter the race before fall.
In related news, the Federal Election Commission immediately
launched an investigation into allegations that Microsoft has
begun redirecting Bing search engine queries to sites which have
been saying favorable things about Windows 8 and are supportive
of its campaign. Political pundits have pointed out that websites
which have been critical of the company or its presidential campaign
seem to have disappeared from the search results.