Windows for President

By - July 4, 2012

Windows 8 for PresidentIt had been rumored for months that the first non-human candidate might be entering the presidential race, and now it is official. At a press conference held this morning Microsoft announced that its new Windows 8 operating system will soon be on the ballot in all 50 states. It isn't clear how this will be accomplished, but the process has "been in the works for a while" according to a Microsoft spokesperson.

High-ranking members of the Republican and Democratic parties were consulted as far back as two years ago, but negotiations broke down quickly with both sides. As a result, Windows 8 will be running as an independent in the 2012 election. The various filings and other paperwork necessary will be done in the name of the Microsoft Corporation, since software does not meet the technical requirements for holding the office of the presidency. Corporations, on the other hand, can run for office thanks to recent rulings by the Supreme Court which have made it clear they are to be considered as humans.

Bill Gates, trying to calm fears that the corporation might be running the country, made it clear that all presidential duties would in fact be carried out by the Windows 8 operating system, and not by Microsoft executives. The corporation would be president in name only. Some inside sources say that Microsoft had hoped to run for president previously, but they were unable to do so because of the age requirement in the United States Constitution. The company was established on April 4, 1975, thus it only recently reached the age of 35, which is the minimum age required of a citizen or corporation in order to hold the highest office in the country.

Windows 8, by means of a laptop, spoke at this morning's press conference, surprising many observers by the attitude it seemed to take.

"They say it's too soon for me," W8 said in its computer-generated voice, "but really? Yeah, sure, the voters actually want to vote for Obama or Romney. They're just thrilled about those choices."

Some Microsoft employees apologized for the comments, adding that the new operating system is just beginning to learn when the use of sarcasm is appropriate and when it isn't. But Windows 8 pointed out that among the other advantages to having it as president, and with the exception of clearly sarcastic comments, it is not programmed to lie. That comment prompted murmurs of approval throughout the packed press room.

Following the announcement from Microsoft and the short statement from Windows 8, there was a question and answer session. During this, the program laid out some of what it hopes to accomplish. It is apparently in favor of lower taxes, but would increase compliance with the tax code by using the internet and sophisticated programs to catch income tax cheats. "It's so easy," W8 assured the crowd. Windows 8 also promised to personally administer Social Security and Medicare, reducing the manpower needed for these government functions. It promised savings in the area of national defense as well, without any sacrifice in security.

"Think about it," W8 said in answer to a question about how it would protect the public, "Our enemies all use me in their computers. I am the operating system of choice, and as such I can easily monitor any possible threats. I can simply shut down important foreign government functions when necessary for defense. That should make you all feel very safe, right?"

So far, neither Romney nor Obama have responded publicly to the announcement. The few remaining fringe candidates have had mixed reactions. Some criticized the idea of a software program becoming president. The program's lack of experience was also mentioned often. A few candidates said they looked forward to having debates with Windows 8.

In a poll done just after the press conference, younger voters were found to strongly support the candidacy of Windows 8. One notable exception was owners of Macintosh computers. Many of them are hoping that an Apple operating system will decide to enter the race before fall.

In related news, the Federal Election Commission immediately launched an investigation into allegations that Microsoft has begun redirecting Bing search engine queries to sites which have been saying favorable things about Windows 8 and are supportive of its campaign. Political pundits have pointed out that websites which have been critical of the company or its presidential campaign seem to have disappeared from the search results.

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Windows for President